Saturday, August 30, 2008

30/08/08




This was our lodging area...in which we played the game of Mafia (till I know I have no idea what was going on in the game) Yep, we all crashed on the floor for the night, but it was fun!
It was the day of the trip to Malacca, we were all still groggy as it was early in the morning when we departed... till Santa Claus came early this year! He delivered us packets of SUPER RING keropok. Oh by the way, its new trend this time, Santa come knocking on your window instead of the chimney ever since he got too fat. :P

Well, the first thing we did when we reached Malacca was to hit the zoo...
Yes, this reminds me of the "watak utama" of my previous post about the person who MSNed me? HORNY you see...

This reminds me of J because he always forgets to zip his fly.. zebra...zip bra..obviously he doesn't wear one but..close.


Ah yes, this reminds me of Melman on the Madagascar cartoon.

Ah...the history of Malacca begins from this lil dude


This reminds me of someone Hairy... in my college... you know like umm.. someone I was saying that wanted to kill me. By the way, this monkey has a very colourful butt. It's ready to mate.. well mates, try not to imagine Mr. I in this aspect. (maybe just once *winks*)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Thursday, 28th

Yesterday my roomie ordered McD delivery for me for dinner! Awww.. she said its to celebrate me doing well for my semester exams. We struggled so much just to look for the number. Finally, the man came and I just grabbed a pair of shorts and we headed downstairs to collect our goodies. We got our dinner meal and my phone rang so I sat down at the nearest bench to answer it, was my sis so yeah had to. It was then a bear approached us. A well built bear approached our sitting area, hairy type of grizzly bear. The amazing part was that this bear, he speaks. He took some french fries from Karen's bag and had manners to say thank you. hahahaha

Well, my roomie's got JPA scholarship. So she's most likely gonna leave the programme to join what is required of her. Hmmm, well, looking at the bright side, she gets to go US like how she always wanted to. Whilst I, continuing my journey in music. :)
However, our A-levels class will just remain the five of us then. I've been thinking a lot about my roomie accepting this JPA offer, she have to forgo her dreams of being a lawyer to take up economist. Something she can do and something she loves. Tough decision I know cause I'm doing the same thing. But to those of you who are in the same situation, most of the time, we'dstill go for the something we can do instead, more promising for the future. Well roomie, though we may not get along that much in the previous semester we sure are making progress this time, but if you do have to leave, cheer up! Perhaps we're not destined to be room mates for long but the friendship/sistership we developed should last us a lifetime to come. Hey, I'm always the one worrying that I'll get asked to leave the programme for poor academic achievements, looks like you're the contrary,eh? :P

Did I mention what I hate lately? I hate FOOD POISONING. Its my fourth day now, and its not a nice feeling. My limbs are so weak. Not forgetting a long day I have at school tomorrow. It's the end of the week so soon and I'm heading back to Seremban today. I'm looking forward to my schedule for this weekend so let's hope I'll be able to have fun.

A lil worried about Friday cos I'm walking back and forth...geez.

Today : 5pm- Reach seremban walk to terminal
6pm- Pray to God someone will pick me up
7pm - Teach Piano
8pm - Going out with Anna

Friday : 6.40am -Morning Prayer
8.30am- Doc Lim's clinic
10.00am - CF practice
10.30am - Walk to KGV
11.30am - Walk back to ACS to have a chat with Pn. Puspa
12.30pm- CF meeting
1.30pm - Do nothing (arghhhh)
2.30pm - Head to STM :)
7.oopm - Go Seremban Garden
7.15pm - Pray hard that I won't fall off Kit Sing's bike
7.30pm - A&W yam cha session
11.oopm - Pack up

Saturday: 8.ooam - Seremban Market for b'fast
9.00am - Malacca here I come!!!

Sunday : 8.00am- Church (hunt Siehjin down)
12.00pm- Bored
Evening - Swimming!! (gasps)

1. I need new swimsuit that has more cloth
2. I need to sumbat the contact lens
3. I need to find more shorts to wear
4. I need to cut my hair
5. I need to practice piano for CF cos I don't remember how to play
6. I need to stop shitting!!!!!!!! :'(

Roomie, the sky is yours for now, this is our faith! You make a decision based on what you think is right and what you think you can live with for the rest of your lives. Don't bother too much about the future, care what you want, what your heart says. God bless you in whatever your decision is, do take time to listen to Him, He'll give you His opinion. Can you please wake me up tomorrow morning for my morning prayer in school?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Jammed door

My room mate decided to wash her hands yesterday night after our lil supper. She volunteered to do the dishes for me too. Awww... it was so sweet. She took the dishes out to the pantry and closed the door behind her whilst I who was so addicted into MSN did not bother doing anything to help. Sigh.... then after typing a few sentences I decided to hang my clothes up and dump my dirty clothes into the laundry and so on. I glanced over at my table then I saw my comb... losing a lot of hair lately, lack of nutrition the doc said. So I cleared it and headed to the door to throw it at the rubbish bin outside. I turned the knob with my right hand. It didn't open. With my left, it didn't either. Then I put the rubbish into a dustpan for the moment to focus on the door. I twist and turned but nothing worked. Then, I knocked on it and screamed, "Karen!!! Stop holding the door!! I wanna get out" Thinking she was pulling a prank on me. No answer heard so I looked through the peeping hold and saw no one. I panicked and kicked, hit, shook the knob and so on.

Roomie returned and she tried to open the door. I shouted from inside, "Karen! I can't open the door" And she thought I was pulling a prank. She kept telling me to stop. Good grief, I didn't know what to do. I guess we both are prankers so we can't trust each other can we? So we decided to co-operate. She pushed and I pulled. Failed Round One. Round Two: She pushes and kicks, I pull and jump backwards. FAILED!

Next: Took her RHB atm card to slide at the side... failed.

She said she'll go downstairs and get the guard for help. I said okay. She left and I just realised something, I needed to pee. Oh dear... then Anna and Mandy were online so they kept me company. Rather, they spent their time laughing...ahhhhhh
The repair man came and the video beneath would be the rest of the story...



I forgot to mention, he broke his screwdriver in the process. Gone all the way back to his truck to get another pair of bigger pliers and screwdriver

Somewhere along the line you will see a pail underneath my table, yes, that is my laundry area (sheepishly) LOL

It was quite funny when it comes to breaking my door... only one part I hate was that the repair guy told my roomie to try out the keys, he stood inside the room whereby I was sitting by my bed and he was infront of me. He made her go out to try it and he locked the door with me and him inside. Sigh... I was so content that the door was fixed I couldn't be bothered till he started to scratch his groins? He did it and I thought it was ok, let's not judge. Roomie opened the door and he asked her to try the second key and again he did what he did again. I don't like whatever that happened. You can ask me in detail but ewwwww... and heck yea, I feel so sick. I seriously think that should be an extra clause of human rights as now that we're studying law --- Do not scratch your private area while at work.

Little me :(

I'm very happy to see my visitor's counter reached 1000!!! weeeeeeee..... thank you dear readers, you're far too kind. :)

It's only the first week of college and I'm struggling so hard to get used to the system again. Competition's getting tougher this round as we compete quota with those who are taking A-levels in Malaysia trying to impress the UK examiners. Sigh....

I found out that my exams begin on the 13th of October - 22nd of November. I only have three subjects to sit for so I pray and hope it doesn't clash with the CF camp we're up to. Apart from that, I've said yes to my vocal teacher back in April that if UPM's got another project, I don't mind coming in as a guest singer again. This time UPM's on the 25th of Oct, in the middle of my exams. I've been a composer for choir, I've been a conductress, for UPM, I'm a choir member, I like the experience, at least I completed the full circle of the CHOIR, its good to know how it feels for every part of it. Sigh.... but this is no joke, it is no longer how I sit down at the school library last year where I hear them sing and then I go "ah hah!! wrong note" or plunk on the chords and then "yes!! end it with a minor key for dramatic effects" this is real work, real project. The members are all so well focused, we go there to make music, no one plunk notes, no one have the time to be blurr, typical musicians.

Herewith, with my exams ending so late, my vocal exam will be in the middle of December in which gives me no time at all to look for a pianist. Ahhh!! I'm so stressed out. I'm done with my songs already, I know them all well enough and now I'm just memorising them. Now is the time I work with a pianist, but I got no time to hunt for one. I wonder if there's a pianist hotline? hahaha
Juggling exams, UPM choir, vocal exams, and not forgetting! My Theory exam is in March..... I have to decide soon whether I wanna be a stuntman or not... if I do, that means I'll be taking Theory Grade 8, if I don't, I'll be taking Theory Grade 6. Well, for those of you who knows my behaviour for music, doing stunts and all, you should know which Grade I'd be choosing right? :) By the way, I forgot to mention that I have not studied neither syllabus, and I'm applying for the exams, hahahaha, they take 2 years to complete one grade and I take what? umm.. 6 months? Superwoman? I think I'm just gambling with life and death sorta thing.. did that with vocals and piano, and now this. What's next?

Anyways, ever since that night, Monday, I've been stuck here in Nilai since, really gave me space to think. I was pretty upset still, my roomie was helping me out with the CF poster... I think what D said is right, I really feel like VENTING OUT AT SOMEONE...arghhhh... just look at any person's eyes and just scream.. I bet I'll get some relieve there and then.
I miss S all a sudden. The meet up that day for CF was too short, I wanna tell him bout my family, LOL, I don't know why I tell him my problems sometimes. I bought a retarded punching bag but it doesn't release my anger, sigh, furthermore, this Friday's CF is in the CF room, bet the Pn. C would be there. God knows how she's gonna treat me. I'll be so darn alone there, hope to find a seat at a corner.

Yesterday my door was stuck. We had to call for maintenance help. The service guy came, and something else happened, it was at 11pm. I don't like it. I hate it. I hate the thought of it, the sight of him and everything that he did. Get it out of my head!!!!

I need a hug, I need more hugs. I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. There's so much to do, so many things to plan and decisions to make in life. So many sad situations this week, I'm so worn out.... I want someone to talk to so badly, I want to be cared for, I wanna be a lil girl for just a little while. I wanna be petted, I wanna be tickled at, I wanna be playfully teased at. Call me crazy but I'm so tired of being the growing teen... can I just be a little girl for JUST A LITTLE WHILE? I want to be loved... friendship love... I want hugs, oh gosh it brings tears to my eyes when I think of how lonely I am sometimes. When do I get that chance?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A child

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes, I couldn't tear myself away from my bed though the clock struck 7.30 and my class was at eight. I ran to the toilet before anyone could spot my eyes and start questioning. I turned the shower to its maximum heat, I still shuddered in cold no matter how steaming hot was the water, whatever happened last night still gave me the creeps and the chills down my spine. People wanted to know why, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. It was no biggie really, it was a situation where my mom wanted to get me a car, a smaller car for my safety in driving and to pursue more music lessons knowing my passion. Dad said no, I must say that I was disappointed but I understand my family situation so I shrugged and say its okay. However, he took a step into the danger zone. He called my mom countless times scolding her saying she's stupid and so on and that she's poisoning my mind. He told her he knows about the myvi we own now, oh ya he told me that too and he felt offended because we never told him. That statement from him was rather funny I thought, because he had nothing to do with this family anymore. He blamed my mom for separating me from both parents that I became like this wanting more material stuff, and I said, hey, who's the one who looked for another?

I hate the way his ego rises above all common sense. I hate the way he talks to us as though we're his little ants he can crush on anytime he likes. The watch he got me, hah, yeah it costs a fortune, but I never asked from him. I just peeped at the shop window each time I passed, was that a crime? I thought he really meant it by getting it for me, I was pretty touched that night the blue box was handed to me after vocal lesson. But nah, I was wrong, he thought he had to do it because I so called asked for it. Anyways, I kept telling him, dad, forget about the car, forget it, it's alright. But no he had to hold that against us all the whole night, literally calling each our cell phones ten twenty times. Scolding and shouting and full rudeness. He refused to listen which was then I yelled, " Stop it, stop talking and listen to me instead. I'm tired, I don't want anything, just let me study and live my life, I don't know what the both of you want out of me but I'm tired so please stop now." He scolded me even more, he said I was rude for shouting, I'm sorry but I snapped back, "So why are you shouting as well?"

He went on saying that he has no money to get me a car but don't mind putting in a few hundred bucks in my bank account every month, what the? I'm okay with that still till the part he said, "I've spent 20k for your studies..." That was it. I told him, you didn't. You only borrowed the money for us and mom's working now because she has to payback each month. I enjoyed that moment really, because he was shocked to know that I know so much. He paused, then went on saying how much else he paid. I voiced the breakdown of the family accounts and I assume it was then he realise how much I've grown up. He dared not argue much because I knew it all. He put down the phone and called mom to scold her somemore. I switched it on loudspeaker. Somewhere in the middle when he was so engrossed into scolding I calmly said, "It's ok, I heard it all tonight through mom's phone, amazing."

He tried calling me since, but I wouldn't answer. I've had enough. Enough is enough, and I need a break. No one knows how much I've struggled. Am I really the baby of the family? I don't think so, as far as I'm concern, I stood up for this family so much that I need a break. He called the rest of my siblings, some turned out calm, in rage and so on... he can call them all, but he won't reach me. It was a wake up call for him and me that I am 18 but I have a wiser mind and I can think and see with my own eyes and for me, I have heard enough, learnt enough, said enough.
I never expected to say certain things to him because I respected him as a father and I never wanted to do so but he pushed me far against the wall and that was the end of the rope. Till this very day, I failed to detect the flaw in my family that has caused him to fall into the traps of the enemies. The decision to walk out this house was something I will never be able to understand, however, I will always cherish the days he was my dad (full time), the times he taught me how to draw, how to count, how to eat french fries with ice-cream..... not forgetting the times he spanked me with his leather belt, the times he was so proud when I came home with a headprefect position.

Sad to say, he thinks I'm every other spoiled brat. I don't need any luxury. If you asked me what I'd do with a car, I'd pursue as many odd jobs as I can to help my mom. The funny thing is, he never realised what I really am.. camera phones? No one has the right to say anything about it really because I sold all my books, toys, and saved up so hard for it. A penny from the family? Heck no, if I did, that's luxury. The watch he bought me four years ago, I still use it, I don't fancy changing phones and watches etc. I wear unbranded clothes, night market clothes, so what? As long as I am clothed, I am content. I didn't choose form 6 doesn't mean I'm a brat, but it means I admit defeat that I cannot cope with the system. Did I waste money with the college fees? I'm still in the course aren't I?

Sometimes I just feel like laughing because whatever I do is to no avail, I still am assumed as a spoiled brat. Pardon me if I was rude to you last night but if only you treated us as somebody, it wouldn't have been so bad at all. How can I not love you when I have always been a daddy's girl? I knew that all this while, didn't you? Haven't you recalled the days I'd come home and run right up to you? The days you come home and I'll serve you tea? The days I'd call your office for no particular reason? The times I'd e-mail you cards for no occassion at all? Forgotten isn't it? The question is, when it's all been said and done, did I do my best as a daughter? You tell me, I'm still trying to be the best I can. My life is not just materials you know, to hell with Astro, streamyx, leather sofas, BMWs.... I don't need them all. Back when I was only 5 I've had them all, luxury, pure LUXURY, BMWs, Mercedes, abalones, expensive things, driving to the next state for dinner.......... it's nothing to me. Even when your "friends" bought me a string of pearls and genuine jewelleries, all I wanted was a small little room with a bed and a teddy bear. This is who I am as a daughter.

As strong as I am through it all, I am still your child, so think about the limit I can take as a child sometimes.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Semester 3

Today's my first day in Semester 3. Bittersweet really, its a great to know I got through and so did my friends but one or two had to leave the programme because they did not meet the requirements. Like it or not, as time pass by we see each other daily for classes and if one leaves, there is an emptiness inside. Sadly, I'm a victim of food poisoning again. I thought I crushed my brother the other night with my amazing sleeping positions, ahahahaha, but no he got food poisoning too. I got mine a day later which is today. Sigh..... going to the loo every half hour is an agony really. Let's see, I unpacked at hostel yesterday night but I decided to spend time with mom so I followed her home. This morning I was suppose to be at Auntie P's house by 7.30am to get a ride back to college, I got up and had to go poop and heck yeah I was drained by 8am. I told mom to drop me at KTM, but I spent an hour at the toilet? It was worth my twenty cents finally.

I survived through Business class. Mom sent me to college in the end. She couldn't bear the thought of me needing to poop and travel at the same time. Business class was cool, Mr. C not lost his humour and got us rolling a lil today. As usual, he was late to class but not as bad as last semester on the first day, he was late for 40 minutes. I finished class and decided to walk my roomie to the Scholarship unit for her bla bla... and checked in at the Accomodation office for my room as well (i've duplicated my room key so it didn't matter anyways :P) Whilst walking I was babbling as usual then I realised, our coursemate the Sabahan boy... Law!!! was behind us. We went together. At the Scholarship unit, I tripped over the phone wire danggling in the air, which in turn jerked the phone on the desk, and knocked the desk, and some stack of things on its sides that made ringing noise, and with my loud GASP it was quite a scene. HAHAHAHA

Headed to the food court downstairs, forgetting I got diarrohea, dengan selambanya I ordered lou shi fan... ate heartily till Iyngaran came and snatched my purse and waved my IC around. Before he left he shook my shoulders while I was trying to savour my 100% ajinomoto concentrated soup. Arghhh!!!!! Then Jim and Avin came by and Avin knocked my head with a metal piece. What's wrong with you people? Stop knocking my head.

Walked all the way back to class, the journey is some what umm... ACS to Sinaran? sighs.. Walked up FOUR floors, to the SEVENTH room, the door was with stuck with a note written as below:

Name: T**********
Class: ECO 113 9A1/9B1
Date: 25/8/08
Postponed

OMG, sir, we would've appreciated it if you'd sms us. Sigh, so roomie and I went to the bus stop so I could go back to seremban. That was it man, my stomach started to tsunami. Rushed all the way back to seremban, and wallah, my throne, wakkkakakaka, as disgusting as it sounds, have pity on me, my legs are all needles now and I have to sing tonight. I literally cried just now cos I was too weak, I don't know how I'm gonna sound later.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Get out


Clothes,
It's all what the world wears,
Skimpier the wrong way,
Thicker at the wrong time,
Perhaps we are of different fashion,
Since we don't get along between buttons,
You're Sam & Calvin,
While I, Ladylike,
We're of different cloth,
Thread and needles.
I assumed to much,
I thought I knew what linen you were,
Turns out you're rather remarkable,
A lil bit of linen,
A lil bit of cotton,
You're a mixture of both,
The mirror has two faces,
You scare and flatter me,
Leaving me in despair,
Not knowing how to play in your game,
I am exhausted after much trial.
You care then you don't,
You think then you don't,
You speak then you keep silent,
You haunt then you disappear,
Whenever I look,
You're never there,
Whenever I don't,
You're always there,
Hide and seek the gamemaster are you.
Exposing my all, I regret,
Leaving myself barenaked,
To a person who is fully clothed,
It defeats the Baroque period,
Not a two way interaction,
I apologise,
I do not understand you,
I would not want you to do the same for me,
Not anymore, not as much.
A wall of sound I have heard,
A wall of masks is what you have,
That is all I have seen,
That is what that scares me,
Offending you I shall not want,
But it seems to be my routine,
Whenever it rains,
You are not there,
Whenever I'm soaking with tears,
You are not there,
Whenever I need a helping hand,
You let me slip away.
Return to where it begin,
Is what I think is best,
The moment where it has all been brief,
When I meant nothing to you,
And when you meant nothing to me,
Memories is what I have,
A past is what you have,
Merry with those around you,
I gladly open my door for you,
So leave and be gone,
Get out and get gone.

I am that little in your eyes,
So leave, don't return,
Live your life as I live mine,
Get out.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Serve/ Be Served

I'm really happy for CF for trying to revive it. But sometimes I feel as though I'm the only one who's been over firing. I decided to come back to help, sorry to say this but I found it a good opportunity knowing G left CF for the time being. Allow me to explain myself, no I do not have the thought or intention for G to leave permanently but just its the best for now for me at least. I believe its about time we forget the past about who is who and what was what, but to focus on now and later. I told God that I really want to serve Him all over again, I know I can't because I don't belong in a church but CF both school and college I know I can if He'd let me. It never would've struck me till I spoke to S on msn the other night. I hadn't spoken to him in a long time so he asked me how was I and caught up with what's been going on in my life. We both may not have been very close but us beingsiblings in Christ, we know each other enough. He's always been my brother and a person I could count on no matter what.

He made me see how we can serve Him even though situations may not abide to it. I added J to the conversation and we started planning. Eventually we had to inform the vice president. S decided to come down from Semenyih for a thorough discussion and we did. I was pretty satisfied myself with the outcome. S and I spoke the night before that we ought to know everything that has been going on in CF through and through, no secrets, nothing. We thought we knew enough, so I asked the committee if anyone planned to do anything about G coming back. I don't object him from coming back, we are all a child of God, but really, if he's back, I'd choose to be gone because I doubt we see eye to eye about us being part of our Father's family.

I thought it would be best to get things going and then when he does return, it wouldn't hit us both too hard. Little did I know till we all headed to our teacher's house, she asked the vice president how was his talk and G go, and I was like huh? She then explained she told v.p to speak to him and etc. Interesting wasn't it? Something neither me nor S knew, we both exchanged looks but said nothing much. Before heading to teacher's home, one of us asked to go home if he is not really needed. Really, it shocked me. After much fire we have to pump it up for Jesus he decided to head home. I had no comments to give though he stayed on after that. Another one who is in charge of most things sounded geared up for this camp we came up with. But he really disappointed me the night before by not doing what he was suppose to do.

Everybody have their own tasks, but from what I see now, I think it was only S and I who shared the same vision. One week deadline is up in a few days, we all had our duties to fulfill, but something tells me, no one would be doing anything in the end. How can one expect response from others when you refuse to make the first step yourself? I really do not know how in depth one thinks of serving Him. For all I know, it was God's planning because since Monday I said to God, if it is Your will, then do something with my semester schedule, let me serve in any way You'd wish. Guess what? I'm off on Fridays which is something unusual for an A-level course.

I'm all geared up for God and for the young generation to rise up, my tasks for the week is done too. The question is, am I a one man army or the little team I thought we had would stand with me? They have failed to convince me so far, I'm stilll wondering and waiting for Wednesday for the time frame to be up.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Faith?

Things didn't look good for the past few weeks, I mean, they got worse. Vocal classes were a dread and I actually feared going for it. On Monday when I met with D and J at Jusco, I hesitated to go home because I knew the clock was ticking and it would be time to go for vocal lesson. The three of us went on our separate ways as I headed over to Popular's. I always loved Popular at JJ because the choice of songs they play are really good. I walked for about 30 rounds around the CD section? It was then I noticed what I had been listening to. That singer was very much like me the first two months of vocal, breathy and weak. But somehow I found it rather sweet and soothing. Then I thought to myself, what's the biggie then? Since I can't sing for the exams now that I have no faith, why don't I quit and sing like how I used to?

I smsed a friend of mine to come over and give me an opinion on the singer but I got rather faint opinions which I could not interpret. When that friend left, I cried. Because to me, if a person who has no voice training could not make out what he or she thinks about the singer, I think the singer is a loser. I don't know, I just cried because I recalled whatever my teacher said, a wall of sound, full voice, beautiful sound, it was all I was told to give, and I have the ability to do it but I seem to be stumbling on blocks this year. I looked at my watch, time was running short, even more I cried, because I didn't know what to do. I know he was gonna ask me who's gonna be my pianist again, then I will get lectures again because I'm a sore loser for not being able to just get adapted to one.

I spent some time with Jieg at Starbucks after my palaver at Popular's. We shared a cup of vanillar and started laughing over the laptop and listened to some songs. He taught me how to listen to the drumbeats and it was good, it was music. But it was that mixed feeling again, music. I drove home awhile after I sent him off for the Mummy's movie. Driving home I said to myself, "This is it, no point freaking out for lessons every week, let it end now, before I go insane" So, I took a last glance at my stack of books, and then I recalled something D said at JJ, "Don't sing infont of me, sing when J's here" I took that in, and I think it is an add to my reason to quit. Pretty proven that I suck.

I headed to class that night. He prayed for me, he told God to show me the way. Show me where am I suppose to go, I dropped my books, I went speechless, my eyes were blurry. Why did he do that to me when I finally got the courage to leave? He told me all the things I ever wanted to hear, how unique I was, how much potential I had, how he wants God to show me.... but why now? It's just too little too late.......... I've tried out so many times I told him, I lost it. He said have faith, have faith in God, have faith in myself, look for someone else you can adapt to. I said no, I have tried, I told you the list of people I'll try out with, I did, I really did but no it doesn't happen that way, why can't you play for me? He said, that is not going to happen.

Faith, all my life I've been sharing my life story of my blindness and how I had faith in God. It was then I realise, I lost that faith I had. I finally got what I wanted out of my teacher, a little patience to see the real me on the inside and what I can give, but he gave me that a second too late. I wish my teacher could play for me or the other someone, it's like me with contact lenses. I can't wear it till someone puts it on for me for the first time, let me feel how it feels then I'll know what to do. I told myself two months after my post on Fire Rekindled, when the time comes, leave it all behind. He treated me for me and nobody else that very night, but it just so happened to be that night. Even if I ask now on my blog here, who's gonna give me that faith and strength? I'm no longer blind, but I am a blind musician all over again and I hate to disappoint my teacher again.

He could ask God to give me faith, but tell me, why when I finally had faith in someone, that faith is torn? Why is faith such a complex thing? It is like me with my middle range in voice, I go so faint when I sing notes from the middle C... where's faith from my dear listeners, where's faith in me, where's that faith in you?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Need

Another day has gone,
So swiftly the days passed by,
Sometimes it passes too quickly.
That I missed out on so many things in life,
Looking at the world with two eyes,
It is just not enough.
There are people I love,
People who despise me,
People I miss,
People I care for,
I even kept letters that lasted over years,
I kept all your pictures and presents,
Just hoping that there'd still be tomorrow.

State the obvious, I have nothing left to say,
Go tell your friends I'm just another clingy doll,
I don't care what you have left to say,
It has been far too long,
And I have tried so hard,
Nothing from you is that little to me,
But everything from me to you,
Is just another picture to burn.

I've been hanging on the rope,
Thinking that you'd hang on and come near,
Then you go and leave me,
Just stood there and watch me fall,
I couldn't make a sound,
You turned a deaf ear,
A blind eye,
Just to cut me out.
Words of my mouth,
Meditations of my heart,
Communications and interactions,
Exists the art of fencing,
Where we wouldn't give up,
Till it is all torn and worn,
Till we're out of breath,
That is when it is too late to apologize

How can I just let you walk away?
To turn around and see me cry?
There's so much I need to say to you,
But to you there is no reason to,
So all I can do is watch you leave,
We've shared the laughter and the pain,
We've even shared the tears,
You're the only one who really knew me at all,
When it finally strikes you,
Take a good long look at me,
There's just an empty space in me,
Would you care? or would you walk through that door?

I'm looking for that something you gave me not too long ago,
A simple line can make me complete,
With your shadow next to mine,
Who can deny the joy it brings,
For me its having you in my life,
To fill my empty bars and phrases,
Make me a whole piece to play again.
I've done many mistakes,
I've bruised many with my tongue,
I've gone through many troubles,
You've seen me through them all.

So tell me now,
Why an angel like you would choose to make me bruise?
Something I'd find only in the deepest friendship,
You helped me break free,
Guided me how to reach for those notes that seemed to high,
But why are you the reason I lost my highs and lows altogether?
Have I changed, or have you?
Don't tell me its too late,
Tell me we're done arguing for the littlest reasons,
Tell me you don't want to hear me say,
"I hate you"
Because I don't and never meant them,
Tell me you're done and so am I,
And we'll both find our way back from where it all started.

My heart is smaller than an ant really,
Would you just see the efforts I've put in for us?
Stop asking why should I?
Or why did I?
But a nod of acknowledgement,
What if tomorrow never comes?
Or will you wake up one morning and know how I feel,
And re-run our happiness all over again...

Friday, August 15, 2008

Dream

I had a dream last night, a dream that woke me up in the wee hours of the morning. I don't know why I had a dream as such but I really wish it was reality. Well, scientists say dreams are just an illusion made up after what a person goes through all day. Hmmm, I suppose if that is true then my dream is probably made up after what I've gone through in vocal lesson yesterday. Vocal lesson with him yesterday was an extra class I requested because I know anytime now I won't be able to take it anymore. So my classes are on Mondays and Thursdays. It's strictly business now, go in sing, correction, sing, goodbye.

I have no idea what this dream is trying to tell me. Its keeping my hopes up in a way but looking at it in another perspective, perhaps the dream is telling me that is not going to happen? Like I've mentioned in my previous post, I'm so tired of hoping and expecting. I regret having it all planned and I seriously regret signing up for Trinity even though the songs to me are rather easy. He told me that I should be aiming for a distinction but he too warned me of something that I already know.

"You can do so well in the studio and with those you're comfortable with, but when you're there you might chicken out and pull back into that small squeeky sound of yours and everything is going to turn out ugly. You said you wanted a pianist you're comfortable with, which is a good start but you're taking up too much time to get one and every time I ask you, you shrug. There isn't much time there now, maine"

I don't think I want to expose this dream out just like that because I don't know how this party involved would take it, because this is entirely my doing, my fault, my imagination. Yeah, but I too want to remember this dream so I'm going to edit one of the many posts I have in my blogpage somewhere in one of the posts. I think it is for the best because no one's got the time to find it, well unless you're that curious then go ahead, at least when my dream is exposed, I didn't tell you what it was, you found it, that is if you think you know me well enough then perhaps you should know where I'd put it in.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tired

I've been home all day, couldn't help myself recalling yesterday's outing with the boys, it was fun. It was something I should've been having throughout my last year in school instead of wasting it for some particular reason. I enjoyed every moment of it yesterday though I was being bullied most of the time. It was just a simple lunch but it meant more to me, because I love to spend time with great companions like them, jokes that may be lame from Jieg but hey, it is so much better than getting sweet talked by someone who wishes you dead, right?

Well, I've been doing nothing all day just trying to digest all I've heard and communicated about. The other evening on the phone, I was given a choice to ask the mother again if the player could be my player again, but I hesitated though tempted.... then yesterday when president blew my cover or rather I blew my own cover, I didn't know what to do next. Sigh, I have lesson with him again tonight, and he's so gonna ask me who's my pianist again. He warned me on Monday, that if I don't tell him soon, I am on my own and he will not give me one of his students. I can have one of his students but I just can't sing, I wish there'd be a soul in this world who would take one second and actually think of this statement thoroughly.

I don't know why I have this fear I just can't. I have tried many many times. Now, flipping through my scores again, I'm just jammed, sigh, I'm going to get another lecture tonight. I wish he had a twin brother or something.... I don't know how to express how I feel but it feels exactly like how it was back when I was four when it was all pitch black in blindness and no one was there to help me. Speaking of which, God knows how long my vision will last, its starting to blurr already. Music was something that brought me back into seeing, Mom was so depressed back then she didn't know what she could do to help me but to send me for organ lessons. It helped my muscles to relax and focus better till I could see again. But who could've known music could lead me to such distress now?

Perhaps I have faced too many disappointments in life that I just fail to accept a new player for myself. I'm a person well planned and well rehearsed before I do something. Now, I don't have a plan and I failed to adapt to the situation. Going to church there makes me think so much of what we have worked together with. I think I would like to just be a laptop one day, where you do nothing but till someone commands you to do something, I'm so tired of thinking, I'm so tired of trying to compose my songs when I know there's not a chance for it to be played and not a chance for me to sing it with a free voice. I'm locked up.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Mr. Jailer


The urge to have a listening ear,
But not just any ear,
But that particular someone,
Sadly, the door keeps slamming,
No one hears you cry,
Told yourself it'll come around soon,
Soon is just not soon enough

Being in a crowded place,
Finding it hard to think,
Tried to shift your focus,
Doing chores and miscellaneous,
Does it work?
I should know better,
The outcome is always the same,
Where it'll be walking out that door

Leaning against the wall,
Head tilted a lil,
Hoping to make something out of nothing,
Checking your mobile for the hundredth time,
That's when you know,
No one really knows your name

You believe, then you doubt,
So confused and frustrated,
Thinking whom should be here,
Would be here, ain't knocking at your door,
Walls are closing,
The tank is filling up,
You're drowning, can't find the knob to get out

You failed to find the reasons why,
Why people see you that way,
Why people leave at a point,
That's when it all shows,
Everything you wished for may not come true,
You're so locked up, you wanna breakfree,
But the jailer ain't gonna let you out

If only you take one step at a time,
Pick up your loads and burdens,
Charge your batteries into a new plug,
Look at another door,
Look into another's eyes,
Keep your head up,
Don't frown,
I'll be there, I'll be watching,
Though failing to be that new plug,
My prayers are with you,
And I'll watch you from a corner

I pray you'll be alright,
A prayer you won't know,
My thoughts will have your name,
And the who I know and trust,
My lips are sealed,
But my prayer will walk with you.
Dear jailer, be free, be happy again

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!!

Alrights people, my semester break is here, FINALLY. There's so many things I want to do but I don't know if anyone would join me or would I be able to do it, so don't laugh at my following list ok?

1. Intense swimming lesson for 2 weeks ( hope to master freestyle and backstroke, but insecure ecause i look like penguin in swimsuits)
2. Bury myself in the realm of Economics at the state library ( but worried to go alone because I
always end up sleeping between pages)
3. Attend acs choir practices ( but no idea when, since they don't even call me anymore... sobs)
4. Go for CF ( doubtful if anyone welcomes me cos i think they used to because of someone)
5. Take a train ride to midvalley and park my butt in mph and just read novels
6. Find a partner to work my voice exam pieces together with
( my personal composition part) but who?!?!?!
7. Go to PD with girlfriends but the plan looks rather faint now, hopefully its on so I can hit the
beach and go nuts in the seas!
8. Spend some time with a good companion at city park and gain some inspiration hopefully
(but i have no idea who as well)
9. Have a cuppa with anyone willing at Starbucks, S2..... gimme a cat anyone?!
10. Lean how to play Jazzy ( i'm addicted to it now, i hear it on the cd player 23 times a day)
11. Karaoke!!!! ( but its rather depressing to sing alone)
12. Play table tennis (missed those times in school, tumc got table, but no player)
13. Spend an evening at lake gardens (watching the lake, lying on the grass, God give me them
music in me again)
14. Fishing. (sadly, many think its boring)
15. Go for LUNCHES (its been so long since i've got lunch, skipped it so long now)
16. Get kicked out from Parkson ( banging on the pianos at the exhibition for too long, can't help
it, they're so nice)
17. Glue my eyes on the tv screen watching Tom and Jerry (weeeeee)
18. The library again, to study for external papers
19. Yam cha with any mates available
20. Avoid Grace Leong in case she perms my hair (i'll end up bald for torturing my poor hair)
21. Be out of the dilemma of constipation, a.k.a sembelit ( malu lar, but can't help it!! laxatives
won't work)

Yup yup, I wanna do all these stuff during this sem break, so join me alright? Chitty chitty don't waste my holies, don't get on my nervies, or you'll get Bang Bang!! I'm nuts I know but not sleeping for a week, and I meant literally not sleeping, I'm totally cracked.... :P

Friday, August 8, 2008

Clothes

I was at the verge of breaking down and I've gotten my breakthrough in that aspect. But now that I'm moving on in life, it ain't easy at all to face new obstacles. I just realised whatever I've been telling my roomie about the other night is just too hard for me to even face. She mentioned that she's a closed book because no one bothered to read it when it was open. I wouldn't say that no one bothered to read my book but I'd say no one really stays and everytime I'm ready to get up again, another closing chapter appears.

Head under waters, its not easy to breathe. I stare down from my balcony in college and I watch the sky, it was all pitch black. It is rather upsetting to face reality that I never really had a good friendship with anyone. I learnt it the hard way sadly, because I was never given an opportunity for improvement nor a piece of advice as to how they really felt with me but decide to just walk out that door. If what everyone had for me is leaving, then perhaps I'm a total goner.
On my way here, being who I am today, I've learnt many walks in life. The times where I locked myself up from past hurts so tight till I couldn't sing. I was at that point where I scared my teacher when I had the expression of screaming but not a sound could be heard. I've seen the best, I've seen the worst, but its what I had to go through and in turn I'd want to make a change of it.

I used to have a friend who used to said I was witty. One said I was someone understanding when it comes to heart to heart talk. One said I was loyal. I never left anyone of them hurt without a prayer seriously. Great it'll be if there are friends who would move in a little closer, and not come and go. But on my way here, I learnt that life has no guarantees that people whom you adore would open the door for you into their lives as much as you hope to. Being on train rides I noticed many souls and the lesson I learnt there is that there's only here and now, because nobody knows who's getting off the next stop.

I agree with one statement that we have to take our clothes off to have a good time. As obscene as it sounds, we gotta learn how to open up to each other in order to have a great friendship. I'm ready to be there for anyone, an ordinary friend I may be, an extraodinary we will be if you'd just believe in me as how I trust in you. At least there'd be someone at picking up and dropping off point at train stations. Metaphorically, we have to party all night, ups and downs we'd all be there for each other, getting high and wild, or going down and dry. So when will you take your ''clothes'' off and let me see the real you?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Feeling

What's love has gotta do with this? I'm really alright with being friends and stuff but hey watch it, there's no need to rush things here do we? To begin with, our friendship is pretty alright over the times and yeah we're both fine with things. Its been so long since I've heard from him and then all a sudden he contacted me again. We've chatted rather briefly on messenger for about three days I suppose. It was all falling into place very nicely like how we used to talk to each other, brief but its alright since we never really bothered about each other's life anyways. Then yesterday I was really down about my music and I was trying to get it back singing "You and me" by Lighthouse, you know the wedding song? Yeah, so then he came online and he expressed his feelings. I was left gawking for the first few seconds then I realised that no one really know me do they? I just want to say that I'm not a highway to easily fall for anyone. A long gap of not talking with the you-run-your-own-life thingy and then now 3 roses?

Sometimes I wonder why adolescents these days think that relationships are just holding hands and going out on dates? Its not that simple, the chemistry must be there. I felt rather mocked because the way he emphasised the necessity to be in commitment with him for my life to be in order. Politely I said I'm not ready and apologised because no matter what reason it was feelings are rather complicated anyways so who am I to blame? He sounded dumbfounded well I wouldn't really know since we're online, but I explained and said take things slow, one step at a time. I'd appreciate a simple friendship for now. He agreed and it was back to normal as though nothing happened which was good right?

Today, frankly speaking I could just jump off the building like how D used to tease me. I got a proposal, a pre-proposal rather. Notifying me what his parents' preferences are and how things should be done for the future. So again I was rather calm and said, "Didn't we agree to work on our friendship?" But he went on and on that I just don't know what to do anymore seriously, I could feel my rebonded hair go freshly permed. Its not just feelings, its how much do you know me and what do you see in me. Don't tell me I'm beautiful, everyone is, but tell me what love is really all about? Merely a window dressing amongst your friends?

This feeling in me was rather blue, tempted was I to say, "Am I a product in the market to you?" I've not even made pass through a relationship and I got a proposal instead. The change of status quo from single to in a relationship is not a necessity for me but the principle of being respected and liked ( i have no right to say love) is more than just those 'three roses' you confessed to me. No, I'm not letting go of a chance of getting a soulmate but when that moment is right, I'm all up for it with the the one. I'm rather curious how the chemistry sparked when he was never there to see me cry, never there to see me hurt and was never there to care.
Hey ho, a little high a little low, respect women for we are not a decoration for your profile. Stop and look at me for me and tell me what do you see and tell me with our gazes locked that you are for real. Then, answer my question why you're there and not here? See?

Sway

I've left the radio on all day, singing each and everything that was played regardless of the lyrics. I just want to go wild and forget about what's waiting for me to fix. I just want to lift up my broken head and kiss that mike. It would be great if there'd be a chance for me to jam like I used to on stage after church where that yellow padded mike is mine and I'll be gripping it by the stand and taking over the stage. Needless to say if I were to do that with classical singing, I think Vaccai might just resurrect and shoot me dead. Do you know how I'm feeling? The need to just sing anything my pianist would play and just let the music flow, I may not have a full band but there is noise going. My passion is not a one way path in attempt to break windows and glasses, but to just sing as though I'm speaking. Yes, my main problem is still knocking at my door but it'll be nice if I can have a chance to grip that mike again and sing "Put your records on" by Corrine Bailey Rae.
The longing to just let my hair down (metaphorically and not metaphorically) is so persistent. I've failed to be silent seriously, I used to be so excited and hyper worship leading for Sunday School kids, back- up in church, karaoke, school performances. It was all too good to lose. Well, I'm not in school anymore and I'm certainly not one of those students whom teachers remember. You know, there are so many songs I've longed to perform but unfortunately my piano skills are rather limited to do so. Songs like "Angels brought me here" by Guy Sebastian, and how can I forget???? "Big Yellow Taxi" Amy Grant version where my vocal teacher used to play for me on the piano while I sing. Oh darn, the good old days. It feels as though you're standing on high rocks watching over the seas, feeling the breeze slapping your face, pulling your hair back and when you open your eyes........ the golden sunset shining on you. I've always felt it that way whenever I sing on stage, pop songs I mean. I'll never know how it feels doing a performance for classical because I've never flown solo, not once. Every morning I view my files in the computer-- songs that I wish I had a chance to sing and God bless me if I'll ever learn how to play with the given chords.

Alas! The day has come to an end, the sun has set and the moon is rising, it was all just a day dream, with that questioning heart of mine. When will that mike be given to me again? Where my accompanist plays without hesitation till I am ready to collaborate with my voice. Hmm.. if a microphone were to ever be shoved into my face again, I'd sing Clay Aiken's latest, "On my way here" Let's see if the power of the word "if" defeats reality. Loving Michael Bubble's jazzy drawl, I quote his lyrics, "Sway with me"

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Empty stage


Flipping through the pages,
Books that are decades old,
Evidence of his journey in voice,
The turmoil has risen to my throat,
Forming a lump hurting me as I try to speak,
Singing would be throbbing if endeavored
Dismayed many has she,
The hall that is approaching,
Of which she trepidate to enter,
She knows her position is next to the piano,
If only there would be a way to ring the melodies

I have followed the steps of Casanova,
Displaying his charms and picturesque in his personality,
For I would love to delve into the beauty of voices,
Enlightening ears that share the same passion,
And the longing to step out of mere falsetto,
Into a wall of music of full voice,
However, I failed Scarlatti,
In not having faith of another to stage upon his piece,

A young musician who has very little faith,
In possession of an unpolished voice,
Only opening the door to those she trusts,
The predisposition of avoiding mockery,
Avoiding discrimination and uncertainty in herself,
The feelings are rather ambiguous,
Which weighs heavier each day,
A soul who hated the tension in the vocal folds,
Praying tolerance would be a step to the centre of the stage,
Just to find herself in the mirror room,
Lost in the torture of the Phantom,
A phantom that lies within her.
Afraid indeed I am,
Of leaving it for eternity once it is done,
The temperature is rising,
My pulse is raising,
The anxious ones are waiting to hear,
As I struggle to part my lips,
To contribute the last of my voice,
Living life normal amongst normality but spineless

Appoint me a cowardice soul,
To comfortability and trust I blame,
Question not my passion,
Because it has been blazing in me,
A musician's mother sang throughout conceiving,
Who gave birth to a singer who left her stage,
Taking with her a faint voice,
As there is no music to be heard no more...

Damaged

Nearing a full wound of two years now, I finally got something from her. No doubt I was left crying feeling the pain again but it sure felt as though I've hit jackpot hearing from her. She voiced out her disappointments in words but I could picture just exactly how it would've sounded if she were to be infront of me. She asked me to forgive her but what is there to be forgiven when she has never done me wrong? On the contrary, I pray she'll be able to forgive me.

I've always felt lonely when she wasn't there back then when I was having a breakdown, but who am I to blame when I never said a word about it? The times where she saw me cry she never left my side, though it'll be midnight she'll still stay up to answer my call. There was once where I could not hide myself anymore and I broke down in tears, wailing my heart out at the hotel restroom, she understood nothing but she put one hand on my shoulders and let me cry. The times I sprained my foot, it was rather fun having her as my living crutches being there whenever I needed to move. She thinks I've changed but no I have not. But at that time it was the only way for me to cover up my damaged heart because I didn't know how to fix it not till this day.

She hurt because I never told her what hit my life. I hurt because I could never told her. Soon, she found out from others. I'll never forget that face of hers when she told me she knew, how disappointed she felt and how hurt she felt for me as well. However it was all too fresh for me at that time and I was never allowed to tell her though it was always at the tip of my tongue to confide in her. But one thing led to another our friendship went down the drain and we were so apart that the chill without her was so biting

So many memories of us both where I'd give my all to re-live them again. I'll never forget that beautiful acapella we both sang for Amazing Grace in that hotel room. Every word that was in that post was in past tense, I'll never know if she could ever forgive me because she has lost trust in me. I am at fault for not saying it right to her and for hurting her so much. The love I get from her is something I doubt I can ever find a replacement because I can always rest my head in her presence.
She thinks I've left but I've been waiting for I do not know how to potray myself when I'm in her presence again. I think it would be a collection thicker than any book in the world that could contain our memories of each other. Enjoying every moment going wild with her and watching her lick her bowl clean when my mom makes her favourite pork stew mee hoon. In the days to come as I look over my shoulder, I won't know if she's there because I've left a wound too deep. I'm missing her of the times we have been. Wishing that she will never have to go away, being distant is not we are but its either we stand or we fall when the will is broken.

I've left us both damaged

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The tornado

The recession of emotions,
As it whirls around my head,
Amazing how it caught hold of me,
Taking away every ounce of my soul,
Leaving nothing but the empty shell,
Basic necessities no longer mattered,
None knows the confusion roaring in me,
I am numb,
No paper cut can be felt,
Perhaps a chainsaw best describes,
As it cuts through someone,
The shrieks of pain, anxiety and need,
The trinity of the Trinity,
Where the blueprint of tribulation is exposed

Acknowledge my need,
Whom I desire,
For the new phase in this journey,
Where the only resolution from all this torment,
Is the longing for a soul,
A person who owns the fluctuations of tempo,
That will be the key to my success,
Alas! The appearance of scrutiny,
Led the tempo player be kept silent from my urges
The existence of such turmoil,
Has opened up a new path in my life,
A road of broken glass,needles and nails,
Where I walk with my barefeet,
Experiencing the fear I see and know of,
The challenge of facing new pairs of eyes,
Unleashing that falsetto,
That will astound the calamity in me into a twirl

A vibrato that guides and illustrates to the world,
Stripping me to the bone,
Exposing my bareself,
That all eyes will see,
My borders of music,
For I am a lost musician,
Who gave birth to the tornado in me...

Monday, August 4, 2008

The decision


I embraced myself,
I walked into that very room,
I sat on that two seater,
I hugged my books close to my chest,
My fingers entwined with the comb bindings of my books,
As I await his grand entree

He walked in,
Brief greetings were made,
No smiles exchanged,
The air in the room was getting intense,
I started to suffocate,
But I remained calm,
For the decision of mine shall be told now

He played the first few scales,
I sang and I cracked,
I tried to improve but failed at some point,
He questioned my failure,
I shrugged and gave him a look of defeat

He got off the bench and walked out the door,
My heart sank and I felt far worse,
I couldn't find my story nor song,
I couldn't gather my wits to face the music,
The final phrasing of my journey in voice

He returned,
We discussed it rather maturely,
We handled some paper work,
He instructed me,
Notifying what will happen from this minute on

I thanked him,
Took what's left of me,
The new found reality was so overwhelming,
I could barely move my feet,
But I walked with integrity,
Telling myself,
What's done is done,
And there is no turning back

He said there's no need to prove to him,
He knows what I am,
The question is to me,
DoI know what I am?
But neither he nor I will ever know,
Since it is all been said and done,
Though I wonder was it the right move

The decision has been made,
The jury has decided,
Signatures have been put down in ink,
This will be my new phrase,
My prayer is that it'll be alright,
As I work to recuperate,
May God bless the broken road.

Its not easy


Have I really let go? While studying Economics, I accidentally clicked on to Arnan's blog which led me to Jieg's. And the last post he wrote was about that McD incident many months back where the you know who's mom was rather furious about. However, I believe that what I'm feeling now is just a sense of memory of what has happened not so long ago. Moving on in my new phase of life, its a pocket full of sunshine. I can see myself smiling till my jaw ache again now. I hope God will take me away to better places and show me the rest of life's greatness.

As happy as I am now, my main worry stands still--melody. The idea of quitting A-levels, vocal or whatever, its jamming my head.Today at piano lesson, I did not play a single piece, but I found myself weeping when my teacher asked me about vocal, even she said that he ought to read my post. She told me things that I've never seen in myself, or rather I knew but I never expected that I would hurt that bad. I understood why I feel so hurt for him now and its up to me what I think is best to do with my voice and him. There are so many things we spoke about and I really needed somebody's opinion. But till now, its still cooking up in me and I pray to God it doesn't affect my finals though I already know it is.

Worst of all, I wanted to tell somebody something so I smsed that somebody, but since it wasn't an appropriate timing I told myself, Girl you cannot do it now. I said thanks and switched off my phone. I stared at my lappy just now and decided to e-mail, oh dear, am I that naive to choose that form of communication? I typed my first sentence, hesitated, and decided to save it in drafts where unfortunately I clicked the send button. What could get any worse than this? It wasn't even a complete sentence. Dumb maine.

I told myself that things will get better in time. But what my piano teacher said was right, its not going to get better in time if I don't cure the hurt in me and do something about it. I really need an opinion, I don't know. I know I live and breathe music but its certainly not easy to be me.I asked God to show me a sign today since it was S that was worship leading, the songs she sang today gave me mixed signals, "I will be still and know you are God" and
"Worthy is the lamb" I couldn't see the signs but to actually be still and wait for God's reply, I've waited for so long though and something in me tells me to quit, but this two songs were songs I sang the best back then when I used to back up everyweek in church.

I'm in such a dilemma that I wonder when will it all be okay, I need to love again, you get me? To love them music and lyrics again, help me if you can whoever you are, wherever you are, to unlock this hurt I've heard and accumulated and release it in the open. I'm not fine without music. It is seriously not easy to be me, Maine Lee, the girl who couldn't gather her wits to say goodbye to music nor heal the hurt she has to smoothen the creases. My insomnia has led my mom to a decision that is to put me in KPJ after my finals. I hope someone or anyone can do something about what's bothering my mind so much and save me from this...I'm more than a bird, but I seem to fail to fly, I'm still struggling out of my butterfly cocoon but I think I'm losing oxygen. What hurts the most? Is being so close, and all I get to do is watching slip away.
I know nothing comes easy, but he has lost faith in me, will anyone of you tell me that you have heard me sing and you have faith in me so that I will be able to have faith in myself and strive on without being so blurry eyed at my music book?

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Soap slap

HAHAHAHAHAHA, okay, before I sound like a lunatic I must say that I find whatever that has happened today rather hilarious.. or too hilarious. I can never have a complete conversation with you can I? There would be interruptions, :D

Well D, I hope I didn't sound impolite today when I burst out into laughter because I really tried to hold it but I can't? Readers, I can't go into details over here because if I did, I'll be R.I.P when the person involved reads this. Ahem!! You think I give you too much credit eh? Well, I'm rather a stingy person and I only give when you deserve it. I shall thank you here and now since you didn't look like you accepted it just now. There's still a wall there though I don't know why BUT I will take it slow like you said.

Hmmm, is it because of what's been going on ( like today) that's why you cabut lari? Or is there any room of improvement on my side? I wonder, but I've been told I assume too much so I'm not going to do anything about my assumption. If it is because of what's been happening, I hope you will be mature and brave enough to not let it get to this friendship. Auntie Dot asked if I wanna be a member in church, I'm still cracking my brain because I don't know how well I've been adapting so far and I'm sick of floating as well. Sigh, pray for me will ya?

Next part, I HATE YOU! ( only for this section) If putting it on my bloglist was such a biggie to you couldn't you open your mouth and tell me? Sweat!!!! Hey, my visitors counter don't matter alright, and you had to take away that one and only thing I'm needing damn badly right now. Yup, a punch of soap is not even close to what you should deserve not forgetting the virtual *SLAP* and *KICK* you gave me, hahahahah, kidding. But thanks for helping with the dishes.

Hey, no worries ya, we both know nothing of that "sort" is on our minds, it is the 21st century. But I understand why though so I'm not whining about it. As tempted as I am to post your picture, I think I'll keep that part of memory in my lappy to myself. Anyways, becareful of what you wish for especially absurd things like durian fights, God knows what will happen..and not forgetting the invitation for a slap cos I've got the guts to.


Let's just blurr it a lil to not make things too obvious :)

I'm with you Gracie

Yesterday night I got an sms from a girlfriend of mine, she said, "Can I join you for a meal?" I could sense bitterness in her. I was with my other girlfriends but I told her she's free to come over. As she walked into A&W, it was my first time seeing her so drained out. She's lost a lot of weight, a sign of not eating was rather obvious. As she came over to our table I knew what I was looking at---- a reflection of ME.



The ruined relationship she had has worn her out. I've been there and I could feel the pain. Seeing her cry made me cry, because I've been far worst than she did. The ugly truth that nobody knew, the fact that I almost died. Not eating? Gurl, that's nothing new to me. I'm greatful for the love of God because though the intensity of not wanting to live was rather strong but I still took steps to strive for life. I tried to console her, but as I already knew, it would do no good. Why? Because it all depends on that individual self whether you want to let go or not. I never wanted to let go, but I've done so now and I can see the results. I know exactly how she feels but I cannot give her the remedy to it because she has to come up with it herself. She repeatedly questioned me how did I pull through, I said, honey, I could never have done it without the help of my friends.



As I was talking to her, I kept recalling what my friends have done for me. I cried because I wish I had this kind of help when I was going through the divorce and I wish this kind of help will never end. I’m really grateful for those who have helped me I really am, and on the contrary, I want to be there for you guys too.

Girl, the question is, when will you let go? I regretted allowing it to get to me for so long and I’ve missed out too much in life. We are so young now, we don’t deserve to be in this circle of life for that long. I will never tell you that he is not worth it because who am I to judge right? You know I will always be there for you when you need me and I will support you through and through but hey, your stepping into that critical line where I’ve been and I’ve crawled my way out with bloody hands and feet. I cannot let you go through that, you must get out of it now. When you need me, anytime any day, just holler. You said you envy why D’s the one I always talk about, yes, he helped me pull through with that very look at campfire. Now, this is my time where I do it for you. You will never walk alone (quote from Liverpool) because I’m gonna stick with you through it all.



P/S: If a man doesn't love your physique as well, PERGI MAMPUS! Cos I love you just the way you are. Don't be afraid to step out of it, I'll catch you if you fall. Peace out chic.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

"Dance with my father again"


If anyone of you remembered the one and only ACS Talentine I joined?Yep, after we won first runner up, a month after that very day, was the day I walked into I's studio. I remembered he told me to sing, "twinkle-twinkle little star" for the audition. He then questioned me what I intend to learn from him, well obviously I want to learn pop music. He's the first teacher I know that would go against my wishes and introduced me to a world of classical. I didn't walk out then because I wanted to prove him wrong, that I'm more cut out for pop. But who would've known, I've grown to believe in his perception as well. Back then he was rather concern about me, he always asked me how I feel. I used to tell him my phobia from the things my siblings used to tell me that I'm no good in voice. He brought me out of that shell and made me someone I never knew I could be. I joined in in July 2006. Its passed July 2008 now, and its way different. I missed the times he told me to hold his waist and feel the proper breathing method, it was quirky but I learnt something new about the human anatomy.

When he duet the song "The Rose" with me in class, gawd, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. From then on, I attend every lesson and hope we'd do it again. I admire the choice of songs he gets me, because they speak to me. The minute he spoked and sang to me Vaga Luna, I fell in love with it, it is his favourite song and it soon became mine too. I could feel the lyrics as I sang, if only anyone would bother reading the lyrics, it is so very beautiful. I always enjoy listening to his stories about his journey in music, but soon I hear no more. I used to gain inspiration from there..

I my guide, he took me higher each time. How I used to hide away from those high notes, how I was terrified of the vibrato as I reached the high E,F,G,A,B... there was once I managed to screech replica version of Mariah Carey, that was awesome! Whenever he taught me those foreign lyrics, it felt like a father trying to teach his daughter how to read and write. This is something Ian will never know. The true fact that I've grown to love him and put him as a father figure since my dad left. Sadly I will never know how much I love him, I don't treat him like a teacher but someone real close at heart to me. The few times I sang with him at church, it was like a father-daughter dance at a wedding if anyone of you are aware of that culture during Western weddings.

I felt like Cinderella with him, because he had to practice with me through every new piece. And everytime we practiced, it feels as though the glass slipper fit my foot. He gets annoyed when I refuse to let my guard down and show how I truly feel for music as I sing, but the fact was I've been keeping such a strong front for so long, its not easy to open up. But he did. I remember how amazed we both were when I could sing Vaga Luna really nicely, but that only happened once.

I have disappointed him all the time. I wish there could be one moment I could make him proud. I'd say this to my father, 'Daddy, daddy please? I love to sing with you once more, practice with me' (my dad can't sing by the way) I never knew things would get so difficult, that I have yet still fail to show him my passion to follow his footsteps. If only I could get another chance to ride in his car and talk about each song on the radio, practice with him for church and cuddle his puppies after lessons and have a little chat. Ian will never know that.

I love, I love, to "dance (sing) with my father again"

Insomnia


This is seriously getting out of hand...
its my seventh night not being able to sleep well.
I know there's a lot going in my mind
but it usually does not affect my sleep
but now, my lord!!!

Why can I not sleep?
My body is aching for a time of rest,
My mind feels so jammed,
I think my head's gonna explode,
Why is everyone sleeping so early?
I'm so lonely and blurry,
It would be dawn in no time,
That is when my head would surrender to the pillows,
Oh save me from this agony,
For I now look like a panda,
I find days that have passed and those yet to come a dread,
Should I take them pills?
Or will self perseverance rule over?
I've not slept in days,
My head is in a daze,
Dazzle me with your charms,
Nuzzle me with your words of comfort,
Tuck me in instead of dad,
Put me to sleep, dearest,
Don't give me another hard time,
Be nice and play me a song,
For my body mind and soul long to be rested for once...

Friday, August 1, 2008

My Wish





Finally you decided to IM me first. Unfortunately, it wasn't a hello or konbanwa like you used to? It was, "I've deleted my blog by the way" Isn't it ironic? I was just mentioning it in my previous post about how it gave me inspiration. My journey in music is rather shaken, I fail to trail my tracks of where I've been at that peak. It is not the matter of one disappointing music lesson, but I have been struggling for so long. Trinity will be knocking on my window pane by December. No, I do not want a pianist nor take the exams anymore. Because my voice is broken...
You kept repeating the sentence that I should delete you from my bloglist, if it dreads you that much, why don't you just flag me down? I won't hate you for it.

I get mixed feelings from you these days. You are so near yet so far, or perhaps you're not here at all and I'm just deluding myself? It is similar to what I feel now for music, its so near, but when I reach for it, its too far. I hope you could picture the warmth we had not too long ago, it used to be like how you played it on the piano. Soothing, smooth flowing with touches of thrill to it with the descending scale-trill you favour. Unfortunately, English comes with present and past tense, and this is a past tense.

My wish, is to gain my presence in music again. Piano was never a chore to me, neither were vocals, they were my flesh and blood. I feel numb that I'm not at all sure if they are still. I used to gain lil steps watching your crooked thumb on the keys, but its all gone now. I wish that you could just not rub it in anymore, I wish I never exhausted your "battery" Perhaps that's what Ian felt about me as well. You're like that high A flat which I struggled to reach in Porgi Amor, I wish it would all be like how it used to be. I want to laugh that loud again, I want to smile that wide again, I want to have my cheeks lifted so high that my eyes will sparkle.. dear music and you, open your doors for me. But if neither of you will, I pray you won't forget me.

My wish for you, is that you will never have to carry more than you can hold, that your dreams stay big and probably a very small part of you, you will know that I'm still here waiting for your "hei fan gao" greeting. I'm seeking inspiration for music in a way where I doubt anyone would. I agree with your statement that, "humans see to believe, and not believe to see" I have seen much in life though with just one eye, but it feels a lot better when you close your eyes and be led to see life's greatness.Similar to how you are when you hear music, remember that?

You can kick or slap me as much as you like, because I will be able to feel your presence. Don't be Porgi Amor, be Vaga Luna will you? Be that E flat I've always adored. I wish talking to me would not be a chore. I wish that you will forgive because I regret, that you will forget that weekend and speak no more of your batteries. I stand fine now, but somehow you make me topple again leaving me hanging. Where is the moments when I need it the most? Don't kick up the leaves please, because I need that magic.

My wish for you is that life treats you well and that you will include me in it as well, I hope you know somebody is here and wants the same things too. Yeah, that's my wish.

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